Coming Home – A Short Story

Coming Home

After the longest Friday in the history of ever, I left my office facing South Front Street and drove home – stopping at the Piggly Wiggly for my last moment of quiet for the weekend. I already know, once I pull into the driveway, all hell will break loose. Don’t get me wrong, the chaos at home right now – or what I expect is chaos – is everything I’ve always wanted. But today was crazy and I’m tired just the same. After a quick stroll through the store to pick up the things I forgot earlier in the week, I get back on the road and drive the quiet back roads of Pamlico County. My house sits out on the furthest point of a gravel road. That road, Stuart’s Lane, is home to four other families. We barely see each other’s homes from our own properties with mine being the furthest away – on the edge of the brackish Neuse River. It’s my dream house and land, it’s often filled with people I love. I bought it by myself, which is the absolute best part.

When I became a mom, I lived in a condo overlooking the Trent River. The condo was walking distance to my office. At the time, I didn’t have a plan to buy this old place. It’s a lot of land and a lot of house for the three of us. When I brought my babies home from the hospital, I was overwhelmed but the happiest I’d ever been. Well, almost. But basically, the happiest I’d ever been. I was just missing this one little thing. Adoption changed my entire world. Becoming a family of three reordered my world and suddenly the fancy condo, with its designer finishes, and vaulted ceilings didn’t seem quite as important. Now all I could think about was wanting to watch my kids running and playing in the yard, teaching them to ride horses, and muck stalls, and care for animals like I’d been taught growing up. I was the parent of two beautiful babies and suddenly I was thinking about how they’d know how to do real chores and care for plants and understand the river’s moods like I’d known since I was tiny. I was thinking about a life a few years down the road, but I couldn’t help but think about them having the life I had.

After a long drive in the country to settle them one night, I asked a realtor friend to send MLS listings for land and houses in Pamlico. And three months later, I was putting the condo on the market and moving to the house I’d dreamed of my whole life, though I’d never set eyes on that particular house. Within a few months of buying this place, I knew I’d never call anywhere else, home. We call it The Grove. This weekend, my best friend is getting married at my home and both families and our closest friends have descended on The Grove from the four corners of the earth. I mean that literally. Friends have come from all over the world for a day Kate swore would never come – her wedding.

When I pull into the circular drive, both kids are waiting on the porch and our nanny is keeping a watchful eye from her favorite rocking chair. I know before they even say a word, they want me to settle an argument. What else is new? Who knew four-year-olds were so argumentative? True to form, they’re talking at me, both at the same time, pointing fingers at the other. They race each other down the steps and tousle over grocery bags after I pop the trunk. They even fight over who will help me more. While they bicker, I stop for a second and close my eyes. Autumn is always slow to arrive in Eastern North Carolina. Summer seems to get longer and hotter, holding on for dear life. But autumn finally made its appearance a week ago and now, there’s a bit of a chill in the air and a perfect breeze off the river. The weather this weekend will be stunning. I follow the kids into the house and by the time we make it to the kitchen with the grocery bags, Clara and Theo have moved on from their fight and are currently laughing at Kate’s fiancé, Ellison, who is wearing shorts on his head, Clara’s heart-shaped sunglasses, and dancing around the family room – purely for their entertainment and as a distraction from the bickering. I love my friends.

***

            After the rush of the wedding rehearsal, a dinner under the stars, and Kate marrying Ellison an hour ago, I finally have a moment to enjoy something to eat. The reception might be the best party I have ever hosted. That’s saying a lot, because I’m pretty good at the party thing. But a Nora Jane party wouldn’t be complete without at least one moment of absolute craziness. This evening, that has come in the form of a dog, my dog – running loose in the yard, headed for the river, just as I sat down to eat. If he was just going to go for a little swim, I wouldn’t be so worried about it. But that’s not Roo’s style. He’ll go for a swim and then head straight for the guests, shaking river water all over them, while begging for chow. I slip out of my shoes, hike my formal gown over my arm and make a run for it. Roo finds this exciting and runs just a bit faster. In the excitement of the moment, he decides this is a fine game and changes directions, heading toward the front of the house and the road. I run around the side of the house hoping to surprise him. But I don’t see him anywhere. It takes me a second to realize he’s already been found and is being held by his collar, by a guy in a suit. My dress still slung over my arm; I try to process what I’m seeing. “Ben?” I ask – as if four years are enough to make me forget what the love of my life looks like.
            “In the flesh,” he says, stepping into my personal space with my unruly dog. The scent I can only describe as Ben White – fresh like soap, bougie skincare and cologne – floats by me. I step back, still trying to wrap my brain around the man who is now standing in my yard, a man I haven’t seen in years and thousands of miles ago. He inches closer to me once again, taking up real estate in my bubble. He’s found some confidence while he was away, apparently. “Good to see you,” he says.
            He says it, but I’m sure I’m disheveled now, my updo is falling down around my face and my dress is still gathered and hanging over my arm. “Yeah. It is good to see me,” I say, remembering who I am, after his absence and silence for so long. “As you can see, I’ve got some guests over. I don’t really have time to chit chat.” I run up the front stairs of my house, with the dog. Ben follows me inside. This time, I won’t take any chances and put Roo in the kennel that he should have been in from the beginning. Ben is standing in the doorway of my office when I turn around after putting Roo in the kennel.
            “I know. It certainly is good to see you. You look amazing,” he says. And then continues, “I got an invite from Katie. I should have been here earlier but my flight into RDU was delayed – had a business trip I couldn’t change. I was on the road late driving down here.”
            I walk past him, brushing his arm as I go. I walk through the kitchen and back porch so I can join the party once again. Ben is steps behind me. I’m still trying to process what’s happening. As I reach the back porch, applause and whistles have broken out from all over the backyard. “Katie invited you?” I ask, after a minute of silence between us. “I’m so confused,” I say, Ben still on my heels.
            “What else is new?” he asks in a sarcastic tone.

***

Later that night, after Clara and Theo are asleep, the guests have gone home, and the event company has cleaned up the mess, I carry a bottle of wine out to the edge of the grass to my fire pit. Over the seating area, white Edison lights hang and glow in a perfect, sparkling way. The moon is high and though chillier than I expected, a fog has settled in, making the air damp. Ben is waiting for me in an Adirondack chair. “I’m surprised you waited,” I say. “And you started a fire. Thanks. I think we’re going to need it. It’s chilly out here.”
            “I told you I would wait,” he says in reply.
            “We told each other a lot of things, Benny.”
            “True. But you do have to admit I’m a man of my word. Eventually.”
            I give him a wine glass and then a fat pour of my favorite red blend. I pour myself a glass then and set the bottle on the small side table behind me. I haven’t taken a seat and I’m not sure I want to. I’m partially afraid if I sit down, I won’t be able to get up. It has been a long day and I’m getting too old for this. But a little distance between us is probably best. I don’t want to ice him out. Or maybe I do. Who knows? Since I’m so confused, distance seems best. I never dreamed I’d see him today. I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know why he wanted to wait. I can only guess. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long. Ben White is and always will be the love of my life. I’ve had no desire to date other men since the day we said goodbye. And so, I didn’t. The years didn’t change how much I missed him. There wasn’t much for me to do but to pray. I prayed for him. I prayed for me. After I brought the twins home, I wished constantly, far more than was healthy, that they would have the opportunity to know him. I’d believed from the beginning he’d be the one I raised my kids with. But there wasn’t much but silence on the line between us. Although a few months ago I ran across a song he’d written, and I could have sworn it was about me – about us. The song was beautiful – haunting almost. I heard it and instantly thought of Ben. There was a moment in the song when the woman sings, “come home before another day is lost.” I heard that line and thought of the one e-mail I’d written to Ben after I moved back home, from the winding coast of California, where we’d met.

It wasn’t the exact words I’d written to him, but they were close. After that line tumbled over and over again in my head for a few days and a dozen more listens, I searched for the song on my phone while I waited for a client to show for a meeting. There in black letters on one of those lyric websites was the name that sometimes felt like my own, as if he was an extension of myself. Lyrics and music by Ben White, it read. Ben White is a common enough name. But my Ben White had been writing country songs for most of his life. He hadn’t done a thing with any of the music he’d written. But he’d been writing them all his life, just the same. I bugged him about it for years. Maybe my influence finally paid off. But I had to face the facts, he’d written a song about our love affair – a sad one, with a disastrous ending. The song was very Poison and Wine, coded and that was hard for me to face. The anxiety and dread that followed me around in the final days of our relationship quickly came back in an instant the day I realized he’d written it about us. The anxiety gripped my chest, clawing at me like it had nearly constantly at the end. And now that he’s here in front of me, I expected its return. Instead, I am determined to remain detached. I sit in a chair as far away as I can get without being too obvious. I reach for the blanket I’d grabbed on the way out, spreading it over my lap. “So . . .” I say in reply.

“So,” he says. “Shall we toast?”

“What?” I ask. “What are we toasting? I got nada,” I say.

“Seeing old friends? Love? Katie and Ellison are finally married? That’s reason enough to toast, don’t you think?” he asks, getting up from his chair. He walks over to me and reaches out to clink glasses. “To love,” he says. And then he continues, “To coming home.” Our glasses clink as his eyes focus on me in that way they always did. The way he looked at me made me forget literally everything in the world but him.

“Cheers,” I say. Instead of sitting back in his chair, he pulls another close to mine. So much for keeping some distance between us. “I sat over here on purpose, by the way.”

He settles in close to me. So close I smell his Ben White-ness all over again. The arms of our chairs are touching now. “I don’t want to yell across the fire pit. I want to catch up. I wanna hear about the kids. I want to hear it all.”

“How’s Lucy?” I ask.

“Was that really necessary?” he asks, instantly annoyed.

I look down at my glass of wine and then off in the opposite direction. My words can sting sometimes. Some would say they should sting, considering how he left me. “No? Yes? I don’t know, Benny. You left me when I needed you most to go back to a woman that never had and never would love you like you need or want. I forgave you a long time ago.”

“You sure about that?” he asks, interrupting.

“Yes. I’m sure. But what I didn’t expect was to see you on my doorstep after four years with no contact, not so much as a Christmas card or a ‘I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing’ kind of thing. You caught me off guard. You’ve been awfully flirtatious tonight. You spent an hour talking to my sister and mom. And were playing with my kids earlier. I don’t think it’s weird that I’m a little weird about this. Don’t you think I have a right to be a little weird?”

“Yeah. When you put it that way, yes. Lucy and I haven’t been together in three years. She’s getting married again. She seems happy. Happier than she ever was with me.”

“Well how nice for her,” I say, rolling my eyes. “So where are you living these days?”

“Durham.”

“As in Durham, North Carolina? As in a few hours from me?” I ask.

“Yep. That’s the one. Don’t look at me like that. We just moved there. I started a new job in May. The kids moved after the school year ended. They’re with me full-time and spend time with Lucy in the summer and we split major holidays. They love it here. I ran into Katie and Ellison at Viceroy in August, by the way.”

“I love that place,” I say.

“They mentioned it was your favorite restaurant. Ellison and I talk from time to time. Mostly text. But we call each other once or twice a year. I knew basic details about how you were doing. But I knew enough to know you wouldn’t let them tell you about me and the kids. Anyway, I felt like running into them was a sign that I needed to say yes to coming to the wedding. I wanted to try to make amends. So here I am.”

“To make amends?” I ask, taking a sip of my wine.

“Yeah. And because I needed to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“Let’s talk about that make amends thing.”

Ben’s laugh fills the space around us, and I close my eyes for a second as the warmness of that sweet sound – one I’ve longed for so much, is an instant balm to my soul. I’m instantly reminded of everything I love about this man. And that’s the key word, love. I currently love him. I will always love him. “Okay. Fair enough.” Ben shifts in his chair, so he’s facing me. “I’m sorry, Nora. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I walked away when you needed me most. I’m sorry I missed so much of your life. I’m sorry that I lost four years with the only woman who has ever loved all of me. Most of all, I have missed you every damn day. I am sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

I’m crying, which I started the second he said, ‘I’m sorry, Nora.’ So much for detachment. I’ve always been a sucker for a man that apologizes and tells me how he feels. I wipe the tears from my face. I’m thankful for the apologies. But now I have no idea what to say or do. “Thank you,” I say, wiping my tears away again. “I wasn’t expecting this turn of the conversation. I’m a little…”

Ben interrupts, “You’re emotional because I broke your heart and you still love me,” he says. But he takes this newfound boldness, which is not a norm for Ben White, one step further, by reaching for my hand. I let him take it despite this being both my greatest fear and greatest hope. “I still love you. That never changed.”

“Then how is it that I’m just now seeing you?” Through tears and stumbling over my words, I eek out more, “I – needed you, Benny.”

“I know. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But after Lucy was finally gone, gone, I realized what a mess I was. The kids and the job were all the energy I had. What little was left was spent on therapy and working my way out of the pit of a marriage that should have ended long, long before it did. I went to therapy. I worked out. I took the kids hiking on the weekends. I found myself again. I found the man I should have been.”

“The man I always saw,” I say. His fingers intertwine with mine. “Do you still go to therapy? Or are you too grown for that now?” I ask.

He laughs and smiles. “I still go to therapy. Finally found a new therapist now that I’ve moved. The kids go too. I was going to bring them today but thought it might be too much. I was out of town anyway, so they were with my brother and sister-in-law, and I decided they should just stay there while I came down for the wedding. I have to get home to them as soon as I can in the morning.”

“Of course. How are they?”

“Hope is . . . Hope. She hasn’t missed a beat, which is why she probably needs therapy more than Benjamin. He’s been more obvious with his struggles over the change. But we do our best to co-parent. It helps. They’re doing great in school and Hope loves dance still. Benjamin is non-committal about sports right now, but I think once he feels settled at his new school, he’ll want to play baseball again. Durham is getting the juices flowing for him again. We’re walking distance to the Bulls athletic park. Lucy has moved on, which means she’s not making life hell for us. I’m happy. We’re good. There’s just this one thing missing. Or maybe more specifically – there are three people missing from this life we’ve rebuilt.” He smiles at me and squeezes my hand a little. I smile back at him. I can’t help myself. “Tell me about Clara and Theo. They’re real pips!”

“Oh yeah. Pips they are. I believe my grandpa would’ve said they’re full of piss and vinegar.”

“Yeah, that too,” Ben says. “Clara told me that she didn’t like men named Ben.”

This time it’s my turn to laugh. “I’m sorry. She does that sometimes. The name usually changes though. She’s a little weird about new males.”

“Been a lot of new males around her?” he asks, fishing.

“Not a one. Unless it’s in the community or at church. I haven’t dated a soul since I left California. She’s stubborn and wild and silly. She’s also very opinionated. If she says she doesn’t like men named Ben, next time I’d recommend saying, ‘well you’re gonna love me.”’

“Noted. They’re both adorable.”

“They are the cutest stinkers. How about you?”

“Dating?” he asks. I shake my head yes. “I haven’t dated anyone. When we were together, as you remember, I made a disastrous decision to try and make a failed marriage work again. When I finally settled that there was no hope for my marriage, and I’d broken your heart in the process, I knew I was no good to anyone. I didn’t want anyone but you anyway.”

“Well, that’s a coincidence because I didn’t want anyone but you either. I still don’t. I’ve spent the last few years raising my kids wishing you were doing it with me. I wished they knew your kids. I wished one day you’d show up on our doorstep. Every day. Nothing has changed. I’ve hoped to see you every day for years.”

“I know. I’m sorry that it took so long. But the truth is, I needed the time.”

“So, you don’t need anymore time? You’re not gonna come barreling through the door of my heart and then take off chasing someone else, once you’ve got me wrapped around your finger?”

Ben takes a deep breath like that one stung too. “No. I’m here to stay, as long as you’ll have me. We’ll have to take this slow. I just moved my kids to Durham. But I’m here to stay.”

“Slow is good.” I take a deep breath again, my lungs filling with the humid salty air I love so much. I’ve missed you, Ben.”

“I missed you, my love.”

I wiggle my fingers free from his hand and stand up. I pour us both another glass of wine and sit back down. “To going slow. To forgiveness. To starting over,” I say, holding my glass up to his.

“To starting over. And to coming home,” Ben says.

“To coming home,” I say.

“As the storm grows stronger, deeper, and wide
My faith’s a winding river with no riverside
As the years grow longer I will be here by your side
Ashes to dust and stone by stone
Forever I will always be your love

Nobody has to cry to make it seem real
Nobody has to hide the way that they feel
If you stay right here tomorrow you’ll be fine
I will be here for you standing by your side
So come home, come home, come home”
Lyrics by: Ryan Adams