How to be Open to Love When You’ve Been Hurt

Lately there’s been a theme to my short stories, novels, and {terrible} poetry. While I can’t exactly say that my fiction or poetry is always biographical, there’s probably an element to all writing, for writers – that is in some form or fashion. It may not always be an exact experience or feeling, but there’s something there that resonates in our own lives.

In my life, there’s been too much leaving. I didn’t do the leaving. There’s been awakened love – only to be ghosted or left high and dry after I’ve lost my heart. I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t find myself there again, but I am right this minute in a weird way – alone, but in love. I think it says a lot more about me than anything though. The Bob Marley quote about men being a coward for awakening love in a woman without an intention to love her, is powerful. I feel it in my bones.

“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention to love her.” ~ Bob Marley

On the other hand, I’m the one who let it happen. No one forced me to fall. After everything I’ve been through in my life, I should be more skeptical. I should be more wary of love. I should be less trusting. But every time I get hurt, I pick myself back up and love again (or remain open to it).

It goes without saying that boundaries are critical. I recommend therapy. I recommend finding out what may be happening in your mind and body when you meet someone and don’t see the red flags until it’s too late. I have some questions to answer for myself about how this happens and what I may be missing that I try to recreate or find elsewhere.

Vulnerability Remains the Key.

However, what I refuse to lose is my vulnerability and my unwavering persistence to make things work, in relationships. Vulnerability remains the key. I want to be a person of grace – offering it freely. I will be a person characterized by love and forgiveness. No amount of hurt in my life will harden me. Vulnerability is a choice. We have to choose to open ourselves to it, even after hurt, if we have any hope of finding the companionship we long for.

Create Boundaries. But Sometimes They Need to be Squishy.

If I was asked to change a job for the one I love, the answer would be an unequivocal yes. If I needed to move to another state – I’d move. If I needed to alter some future personal goal because it didn’t quite work for us as a couple, I’d find a way. There’s a lot I would change around to make it work. But in order to do that, especially for those of us who do love deeply and are vulnerable, there has to be commitment on the other side. There has to be mutual respect. There has to be honesty. If he’s easily swayed and distracted by other women, as one example, I can’t and won’t change my world for him.

On the other hand, if he goes out of his way to show me I’m it for him, well then he owns me. Create boundaries – but sometimes they need to be squishy. That’s not a popular thing to say, I know. But I think it’s the only way. Sometimes we have to bend a little.

Determine that you will have boundaries. Understand what you will not compromise on. Hold firmly to your convictions. If you need to heal some place in your soul that’s reliving past trauma, do it. But the only way we get to experience love and true companionship, is to be open to being hurt again.

I don’t take the boundaries or the healing, lightly. I know where in my life I need some work. But I also know I will never have the love I want if I don’t open myself to being hurt.

So, there are some recurring themes in my writing at the moment. Sometimes I need to write what I’d hoped could’ve been my ending. In some cases, it’s all fantasy.

What remains, regardless of my reason for writing a particular story, novel, or poem – is a stubborn hope that the love I’ve always believed in, is possible.