I Won’t Leave Myself Behind This Time

I won’t leave myself behind – a declaration.

I’ve never been embarrassed to admit I go to therapy. I think it’s healthy to talk about it. I’m not afraid to do that. I’ve always believed it’s ultimately a part of my calling in life (to at least write and talk about it), in a weird way. My career hasn’t always made that easy for me. But I digress. I have PTSD and I believe the best way for me to be “healed” of that is through EMDR. But I am running into some challenges with scheduling this much needed part of therapy. I live in what I’d call a suburb of a large metropolitan area. I’m not sure if that’s the right word, but it works for me. I thought maybe finding the right care and right requirements would be easy for me in a place that is much more populated, with more resources. Alas, that is not the case. There’s just more people needing the same number of therapists (with the qualifications I need reducing the pool).

So, after multiple stops & starts, I found the right place. And now, circumstances with the highest levels of leadership in my “business” are fucking that opportunity up. Seems hard to believe. But let’s point to my lack of vacation and sick leave, my need for weekly leave for this appointment, and an intolerance for work from home to work around the appointment, as the issue. I’m not happy, to say the least. It’s not an issue with those I directly work for. It is coming from much higher than that. It is what it is. There’s not a damn thing I can do. There simply isn’t a thing to be done.

I’ve come up with a couple of possible options – like going from weekly appointments to once a month. That is far less than ideal. It’s shitty, to be honest. But it’s better than nothing? Right? There are other things I’m toying with, but for now – my weekly appointments, and therefore the therapy that makes me a better & healthier person (and quite frankly, employee), are a goner. I was thinking a lot about that and the choices I’ve made over the last two decades. I’ve chosen many things over myself.

I’ve chosen my career. I’ve chosen an organization that will always, always, always choose itself. I’ve chosen faithless love. What I haven’t chosen is myself. I don’t know how it will work out. But I won’t leave myself behind this time. I have shit to do and exactly none of it has anything to do with my j-o-b.

I won’t leave myself behind this time.